Author: lemonbalm79

healing hues

| lemonbalm79

When you have a quiet moment to yourself, close your eyes and visualize colors that resonate with you. Find one that really feels right, like it could heal, comfort, bathe, and support you.

While visiting my friend and healer Tia (mentioned in a previous post about metamorphosis), at the beginning of my cancer ordeal, I was open to trying and discovering new things. One of them she offered was this question: “What color?”

I closed my eyes, settled in, and rotated through several options. Being an ecologist, the colors were very specific, and existing in nature.

Freshly unfurled spring leaves, practically a neon green in their youth and vigor. Stunning, but that wasn’t it.

Bright, blue, and clear Florida summer skies, with a few puffy white clouds. Cheerful, but that wasn’t it either.

Oooh….the aquamarine, crystal clear blue of a healthy Florida spring run. Dappled with green eelgrass and traces of algae. Refreshing, but not the one.

Fall foliage in a beautiful mountain setting. A mix of yellows, oranges and reds in all possible shades cascading among valleys and river edges. Magnificent, but not it. Feeling warmer though…

Then I saw it, and felt it. Golden winter light filtered, then expanded, through the trees. Winter time in North Florida, produces a very specific color that I’d come to love over the years, but was only now truly connecting with. Winter light is different, than all other times of the year. The sun is lower in the sky, and the light seems more akin to the warm glow of a fire place. Winter light is golden and soft.

At this time of year, a walk through the woods is more well-lit too. The sun can peek through the canopy, finding the forest floor in more places. The deciduous trees are in various stages of having dropped their leaves for the season. Some are entirely nude, while others still hold on to a few. Pine trees still have their needles.

What’s most stunning about this particular wavelength of light is how it’s filtered through branches, leaves and needles, but then at certain view points, radiates and magnifies in all directions outward. Sometimes it looks sparkly, you can see the light wavering and pulsating. It dapples golden hues onto seed heads, foliage, and Spanish moss, illuminating them. Grey and brown fall plants transform from drab to fab!

This is the hue that felt most healing and comforting to me.

sun through trees
Winter light finds an opening, filters through the trees, then radiates out, sparkling and enhancing everything it lands upon.

Once I connected to this color, I started seeking it out more. I wandered a lot through the woods between Forage Farm and the Prairie Creek Conservation Cemetery, usually with my dog. We’d wander the cemetery trails, where I was secretly looking for desirable final resting places. You know, just in case.

In the woods, that light was always found, and eagerly greeted by me. I’d get just the right angle and position for the light to filter through and then pour down over me. I’d close my eyes, stand strong yet soft, with palms turned up and out to receive the light. Then the psychedelic stuff would start.

With light bathing on closed lids, the images my brain continued to produce became an important part of this light-seeking experience. I would “see” radiating light waves, moving towards the sunlight. After a few moments, that directional movement continued, but changed to very tiny particles still flowing with determination towards the source. Millions of tiny dust-like sparkly particles were moving quickly and surrounding me.

I felt a release from my physical body, and experienced a feeling of oneness with everything. My cells felt a part of the greater expanse of the universe around me, the trees, damp soil, and everything beyond. In equal exchange, the massive expansiveness of the universe felt very much apart of all of my cells.

In this state of consciousness, feeling absolutely free and untethered, I asked. It didn’t seem like too much to ask, given the connectedness and oneness I felt. I asked the great Mother Earth with all her beauty, and the universe beyond in all its vastness and wisdom, to absorb some of my illness and pain. I could feel that light absorbing it, and the sparkly light behind my eyelids, still pulling me up and out.

It’s hard to describe this experience, but it was profound, to say the least.

I felt softened of heart, mind and body. And expanded, far beyond my physical self and this physical world. Softened, and expanded. Receiving.

What a tremendous gift to receive. Beauty, connection, and healing.

I continue to seek this light out, and connect even if only for a few moments in a busy day, to it’s power and life giving force.

So, what’s your healing hue?

metamorphosis

| lemonbalm79

I’ve long been fascinated by the process of metamorphosis. It happens a lot in the insect world, most beautifully and visibly for us humans as the transformation of a caterpillar into a stunning butterfly.

Imagine! You fall asleep one day, forming a protective sheath around your body. Your own cells start to liquefy, digesting themselves. But then they start re-organizing, creating entirely new structures, until eventually you re-emerge. You’re an entirely new being. Something with scales instead of skin; wings instead of legs to move around the world. Everything about you is different, even though you’re still the same. That’s pretty mind blowing.

If you’ve got an extra 2 minutes and 42 seconds, watch this time lapse video of the process.

“The caterpillar is a necessary stage but becomes unsustainable once its job is done. There is no point in being angry at it, and there is no need to worry about defeating it. The task is to focus on building the butterfly…” ~Elizabet Sahtouris

I liken the transformative process of metamorphosis, to that of my cancer experience. I felt a major shift in the way I viewed and lived my life.

Our society always talks about the FIGHT against cancer. Everyone reassured me of how strong I was, that I would surely fight this and win. We had to be aggressive to beat this thing. There’s an all out WAR on cancer.

I was frustrated with the assurance of my strength and bad-assery, and the assumption of the great fight that lay ahead. It just didn’t sit right with me.

I was with my friend and healer Tia, receiving some counsel and much needed massage and other healing treatments. I mentioned this concept of a fight to her. She looked at me deeply like she does, really connecting. While I can’t remember her exact words, it was something like this:

“Well, you’re not a fighter. It’s not your nature. You are gentle, and you nurture. Perhaps you don’t fight this thing, but you work with it in your own way.” 

I was reminded of a quote from a card a friend gave me long ago when I was a teenage animal activist that said, “The greatest strength is gentleness.”

That was it! I wasn’t going to fight the cancer. The cancer was after all, me. My own cells inside my own body had gone haywire. Was I going to fight myself?

When the caterpillar starts the process of becoming a butterfly, the Imaginal cells that lay dormant in the active caterpillar start to become active. Initially, the caterpillar enzymes attack the Imgainal cells. But eventually these cells organize and mobilize, creating the necessary bits and pieces for a butterfly.

“There is no point in being angry at it, and there is no need to worry about defeating it. The task is to focus on building the butterfly…”

And so it was with my cancer. I couldn’t be angry at it, or the unknown conditions that caused it. I couldn’t be angry at myself (even though I blamed myself in many ways for the diagnosis).

So I went within, and really had a conversation with myself. Not how I normally do, chatting away out loud as I fumble through my day. No, I went really inward, visualizing those growing cells, that were my own. They were a part of me, so I could connect with them. I talked to them, or myself, or whatever and said….

“Hey. Thanks for the visit. No really! You’ve woken me up and I’m definitely paying attention. I’ve made some changes and I’ve been thinking a lot. I’m really not in any position to leave this world right now. Maybe in 20, 30 or 40 years you can re-visit and take me then if you must, but certainly not now. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me, and lot of people that need me. So I’d ask that you kindly dissolve and leave. Thank you for showing me what’s on the other side. So long and farewell…please.”

Furthermore, I envisioned all kinds of things that gently asked cancer to leave. Chemo silently dissolved the cells when infused. Healing warm rays of light dappled through trees, gently melted the cells. I asked Mother Earth and the endless universe, to absorb into her vastness some of my pain and illness. Water washed them away. I saw my mother (passed away 3 years prior) at a totally fabricated and perfect place in my mind, sitting with me and helping me heal, like she always did.

And so, all the myriad things I allowed to happen to me, and those that I chose, showed my cancer the door. Through a massive metamorphosis of my own, eyes and heart wide open, I transitioned into a different person. Perhaps not as dramatically as a caterpillar accomplishes, but damn near felt like I had wings and a new lease on life.

(Pro- tip: these tools of visualization were cultivated by reading the book, Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. I would recommend this for anyone, not just those experiencing a difficult time.)

Mom n Me
My sweet mother and I at Devils’ Millhopper. I longed for her through my cancer ordeal, but also was glad she didn’t have to bear the weight of the situation.

 

Hoppin’ John: the real deal

| lemonbalm79

I’ve had the ingredients for awhile now, waiting for a special occasion to use them. Our friend Parker was visiting so we planned for a gathering of friends and a potluck to celebrate. We’re all food lovers and tend to bring out our A-game when it comes to potlucks. So the heritage Carolina Gold Rice and Sea Island Red Peas would finally be put to good use.

Such a simple dish with only 3 main ingredients: rice, cowpeas and vegetables, requires that the quality of the ingredients be exceptional. The original recipe calls for heritage crops grown in the south that were selected first and foremost for flavor: Carolina Gold Rice, Sea Island Red Peas and pork stock.

fullsizeoutput_120a
I’ve been hoarding the ingredients in the freezer for months, waiting for a special occasion. The grits are not part of a Hoppin John dish, but I made them on the side just because.

Sean Brock’s cookbook, Heritage has the recipe which I pretty much followed to the tee, which is unusual for me. Now that I’ve done it once, I’ll probably modify in the future.  You can buy the ingredients through Anson Mills, or better yet grow your own! We grew the peas (a cowpea, or field pea, Vigna unguiculata) last summer and they were super easy, as are most field peas in the south.

What’s great is that growing field peas enriches the earth, because of their magic powers that add nitrogen to the soil, along with mounds of biomass. This makes rice cultivation more sustainable.

IMG_0678
Drizzled with gravy made from left over broth and peas, and garnished with garlic chives.

We are fortunate to have a CSA, so the veggies were mostly super fresh and juicy, lending more flavor and awesomeness to the dish.

There was broth left over from cooking down the peas and veggies, which of course I saved. It’s fricking cold here in North Florida this winter, so soups are on the menu constantly.

IMG_0682
Left over broth from cooking the peas and veggies to be used later for a hearty soup.

I’ll post the actual recipe here soon…need to figure out if there are any copyright issues 🙂

versatile & delicious basic dressing for everything

| lemonbalm79

A good dressing changes everything. It can go on pasta, cooked vegetables, salad, a sandwich, and my classic veggie bowl. I consistently get asked, “What’s in your dressing? It’s amaaaaazing!”. The answer always varies but the basic building blocks are below.

Ingredients:

Garlic, a few cloves (preferably fermented cloves! Recipe coming soon)
Tahini, 1-2tbsp
Miso 1 tbsp
Toasted nuts and/or seed, mixed about 1 cup (I just always use what’s on hand and often mix. Almonds, cashews, pumpkin seeds etc.)
Nutritional yeast, 3tbsp or more to taste
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste
Water, about 1/4cup, maybe more or less
Vinegar (kombucha or apple cider vinegar preferably), about 1/4cup, maybe more or less
Olive oil, about 1/2 cup, maybe more or less
An anchovy or two, or a dash of fish oil (optional, but adds an extra oompf)

Directions:

Once toasted nuts/seeds are cooled, put into a blender with all ingredients except oil. Blend to a nice smooth, only semi-runny paste. It should, ideally be the slightly more thick than how you want the final consistency to be. Then slowly blend in the oil until incorporated. Taste and add any additional ingredients that may need more. If too thick, dilute with equal parts water/vinegar. If too runny, there’s not a lot you can do to remedy except to add more nuts.

daily veggie bowl

| lemonbalm79

This thing can be breakfast, lunch, dinner or all three. It’s awesome, tasty, satiating, and healthy. Equally important it makes use of available ingredients in your fridge.

Everything is negotiable. Use what you have, omit what you don’t, and  add what you love. This is how to eat seasonal!

I got the idea from a friend and co-worker Maya at Working Food. When she owned and operated the Jones Eastside Restaurant in Gainesville, the East Side Bowl was a delicious favorite of mine. But there were more potatoes than I would opt for, so I modified it to be more veggie-heavy and even absent of potatoes altogether.

Being a CSA customer (Community Supported Agriculture) with the Family Garden, my fresh box of veggies is often turned into veggie bowls. Mountains of greens cook down to nearly nothing, making quick work of using them up!

Ingredients:

  • Mixed sautĂ©ed veggies in any fathomable combination and quantity (peppers, eggplant, greens, carrots, radishes (yes, radishes!), broccoli, kohlrabi, potatoes, sweet potatoes etc.)
  • Onion, chopped
  • Garlic, chopped
  • Eggs, over easy (or however you prefer them; runny eggs IMHO make everything better)
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Nutritional yeast to taste (optional)
  • Easy versatile dressing (optional)
  • Finely chopped fresh turmeric as a topping (be sure to sprinkle final dish with fresh black pepper)
  • Generous dollop of fermented veggies (i.e saurkraut or kimchi)
  • Cheese of choice (optional)
  • Hot sauce or hot pepper flakes (optional)

Instructions:

SautĂ© onions in oil until they are nice and caramelized (preferably, but not necessary), add garlic and all your veggies. If using potatoes, you’ll want to pre-boil them or add to pan first until nearly cooked, using more oil and a lid to cook them up BEFORE adding the additional veggies.

Don’t sautĂ© veggies more than a few minutes. Aim for firmness and retention of color. Add nutritional yeast and salt and pepper towards the end, to taste.

Put all cooked veggies into a bowl, top with a serving of fermented veggies and runny eggs, or any optional ingredients like cheese, hot sauce, nutritional yeast. I try to avoid dairy at home as I think it leads to inflammation when consumed too much. But a little cheese takes this dish over the top!

Yummmmmm!

daily gratitude

| lemonbalm79

My life is full. I’m using that word more than busy intentionally. It feels hectic sometimes and I’m constantly buzzing around from thing to thing to thing.

Most days I have to pause, and reflect how fortunate I am to do spend my days so fully doing things I enjoy.

Today, a warm and comfortable December morning in Florida, I spend hours in my seed saving gardens with two amazing women that help me tend them. Huxley the dog gets to come today because school is out, so no students or anyone else is around. I love hanging out with him, and knowing he is ecstatic to be free to follow his desires, and check in with the humans for love.

fullsizeoutput_fac

After the garden wraps up (I really could stay there all day!), I go to my office at Working Food to pack up the van quickly for the farmers market. One pop up attempt before the holidays to sell seeds and artsy things. Seeds that I curated, gifts that I made.

Mikey comes to market at the end with Huxley to help us pack up, and now I sit at home making a blog post and catching up on a few work things.

13 hour day non-stop, but filled with wonderful things.

Lucky me.

Seminole pumpkin cheesecake

| lemonbalm79

I am obsessed with a local badass southern heirloom squash, the Seminole Pumpkin. It grows well here here, tastes amazing, stores a long time and is super versatile in the kitchen. Plus it has a wonderful story, evolving alongside native tribes living in Florida. It sustained them, and they coaxed forth an edible squash from the wild, that thrived in the hot, humid climate, and poor soils of Florida.

In the late 1700’s when William Bartram was traveling and exploring the south, he exclaimed, “It is very pleasing to observe the banks of the river [St. Johns] ornamented with hanging garlands, composed of varieties of climbing vegetables . It is exceedingly curious to behold the wild squash climbing over the lofty limbs of the trees; its yellow fruit, somewhat of the size and figure of a large orange, pendant from the extremities of the limbs over the water.”
IMG_6473

Check out their diversity of shapes, colors and sizes from David the Good’s Seminole Pumpkin Project! I am certain that over the years especially as it’s gained popularity among gardeners saving their own seeds, that some have become cross-pollinated with other Cucurbita moschata.

I’ll say it in every “recipe” I post: sorry for lack of specific amounts. I don’t measure often, or write things down. Hopefully you have some agility in the kitchen to just make stuff work, and know that a lot of this stuff is negotiable.

The great thing about this desert is that there is very little sugar, none is added except for a squirt of honey and/or molasses. Both of those are negotiable. If you are used to super sweet deserts, this one may take some getting used to.

Filling

About 1.5-2 cups cooked, pureed Seminole pumpkin
2 packages of cream cheese
3 eggs
generous squirt of honey and/or molasses
lots of spices: generous chunks of grated ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves and a dash of cayenne pepper

vanilla extract

Crust

roasted nuts (I used approx. 2 cups of mixed walnuts, cashews and almonds)
dark chocolate chips
some coconut oil drizzled into nut mixture just enough to make it start sticking
about a tbsp or so of butter
a few dried dates
a few dried apricots
more spices if you want them
Instructions

For crust, blend up all the dried stuff in a food processor till crumbly then add the fruits and oils till you get a doughy kinda greasy thing. Press it flat into a springform cake pan. Put it in the fridge while you make the cake.

For the filling, I use a food processor to puree the pumpkin so it’s really smooth with no chunks. Add the cream cheese till nice and smooth followed by the eggs and all the spices. Once the batter is nice and creamy and whipped, pour it into the cake pan.

Cook about 370F for approx. 45 -60 minutes until the outside rim of about 2″ is firmish to the touch; the center can be jiggly but not soupy. There may be some cracking too. Let it cool for awhile before putting in the refrigerator, where it will need to chill about 4 hours before eating.

Consider drizzling on a sauce of some sort, whipped cream or whatever else suits your fancy.

spicy kimchi with turmeric

| lemonbalm79

Please don’t hate me, because I rarely measure things. Here are the ingredients for a delicious kimchi. I’ve tried to include amounts, but everything is negotiable! Have more carrots? Throw em in! Want it less spicy? Ease up or eliminate the hot peppers.

Many fermentable veggies are in season now in Florida (November-April), so it’s time to roll your sleeves up and get to making your ferments for the year!

Ingredients:

  • Napa cabbage roughly chopped, about 1 large head
  • Garlic, 3 or way more cloves either whole (peeled) or diced however you prefer
  • Ginger, a few big knobs, sliced (I rarely peel, too lazy)
  • Turmeric, a few big knobs, sliced or diced (I never peel)
  • Hot pepper flakes/sliced hot peppers to taste
  • Carrots, about 3 sliced thinly in circles
  • Mustard seeds, about 2 teaspoons
  • Sea salt
  • Clean, distilled, non-chlorinated water

Mix all ingredients except the hot peppers into a bowl. Generously toss with sea salt, and massage the veggies with love. The water should start oozing out after a minute or so.  Add the hot peppers now, and stir in with a spoon, so as not to burn the s*&t out of your hands.

Stuff and pack into mason jars or crocks, leaving about an inch or more. Top with salt brine (about 2 teaspoons per quart of good water).

Let sit covered, and weighted down for 3-14+ days. Taste every day and tamp down veggies to make sure they are under brine. Add more brine if needed.

Refrigerate and cap when you like the taste and want to keep it there.

Here is a Fermentation Recipes handout from a class that I teach twice a year. Basic how-to plus a few solid recipes!

 

 

Blog. Finally!

| lemonbalm79

“So, when are you gonna start a blog?!”

“Ha! I’m too distracted for another project”, I said.

“Some other time”, I said.

Two years later after enough requests (sadly) about my cancer story, what I did to survive it, and also my “recipes” I have decided it will better serve you and me, to just have this site up! So many of you wanted to share my story with your loved ones that are fighting cancer, in the hope that something there might help them.

I hope it can be helpful to others, and maybe even a bit interesting and beautiful. I’m still working on filling in the content, so this will be a work in progress.

My cancer journey is unique, as is each and every case. So please don’t think that doing what I did will cure someone else’s disease. Each cancer, each person, each situation responds differently. I believe that food and lifestyle choices presented here are useful for daily living, not just during times of crisis. Find what is useful and resonates.

If you have anything at all to add, recent articles related to this topic, or want to share comments or stories of your own, please do.

I love you!